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Whirled HQ Test New Fangled Machine from British Columbia
Whirled HQ charter members Tam Regrebnesor and Nivlac Ymagrub
are pictured here testing a new fangled device sent to them by this guy they know in British Columbia. The device came with no instructions as to the purpose so Whirled HQ put its intellectual shoulder to the wheel and began testing. The strange glass orb has some kind of heating mechanism inside it and there is a clear plastic, flexible tube that attaches to the orb. The plastic appears to either let air in or let air out. Regrebnesor is seen in the photo inhaling a "test" substance that was lit inside the glass. So far no firm conclusions have been reached but just as a wild guess, HQ is thinking that it could be used for smoking weed. That's just a guess mind you so don't go writing someone about anything. Whirled HQ, through its press spokesmodel, Lane Chamberlane, says, "We'll get back to you in due time."
Woman rests in peace.
Acinorev Blezu rested peacefully today after months of slaving away in a horrible nine to five government job which consisted of counting manhole covers, storm drains and flag poles in the tri-butte area around Dust City, AZ and once she had them counted and listed in the Big Book of Government Material Goods & Services, she would then start over because by that time the number of manholes, storm drains and flag poles would have changed due to increased government services, natural causes, teenage angst and anti-government protest. Blezu decided to "take five" in the St. Blastergast Memorial Gardens by removing her hot thick government issued work boots and just sitting the fuck down. Said Blezu, "I could get used to being in a cemetery."
Boys readied for journey across life (as we know it) on U.S.S. Consternation
With sturdy shoes, steel buckets (not shown) and snappy plaid safety outerwear, 2 young boys begin life's journey with a smile on their face, hope in their hearts and absolutely nothing in their heads. They begin a fateful journey, on the fabled ship, the U.S.S. Consternation, that will take them to places unknown, people unseen, sites unheard of. Their carefully preselected guide, Col. Clayton, will help them from getting killed or raped on the dangerous early stages of life's phantasmogorical and sometimes sordid and squalid journey. Whirled HQ reporter, Lane Chamberlane, will provide regular updates on our brave young travelers. Au revoir and bon voyage!!
Man has "Georgia on My Mind" over his head.
Olzsal Zsuarts, visiting the state of Georgia, U.S.A., from Hungary has mind over his head in a clever placing of self in relation to the world famous phrase and official state song of Georgia which is in the United States of America and is purported to be the largest state east of the Mississippi River but which some dispute based some recently come to light facts that it is not really the biggest state east of the Mississippi but that, my friends, is fuel for a spirited official Whirled HQ debate on some other day.
Tribute to Pencil-Necked Geeks Erected
City officials, wearing Windows Vista bow ties and plastic pocket pencil holders, in Redmond, CA cut the ribbon on a new statue that salutes all the pencil-neck geeks in the home of Microsoft, Inc.
Thousands of nerdy pencil-necked geeks turned out for the tribute. There was much guffawing, high fiving and text messaging and portable device communication. At the end of the official ceremony everyone gave each other a wedgie and laughed at the absurdity of it all.
Noj Sucram on Rollercoaster Ride
After two months on the drug frenzanoid, Noj Sucram from Svalbard, has been switched to the drug drowsanine. Frenzanoid produces a psychotic type state and drowsanine a schweepy, flannel pjs, nite-nite sensation. Eli Lilly is studying the effects of both drugs and their combination to see if they can produce a life like rollercoaster effect. Says Lilly spokesmodel Cliff Jesters, "Some people don't experience life like it CAN be experienced so we are trying to induce the dramatic ups and downs of an actor or actress or Brittany Spears. Noj has been pretty even keel his whole life and never done much of anything so we decided to take him on the ride of his life!"
When asked about how he was feeling Noj said, "I don't mind telling you I'm a little schweepy."
New Drug Has Beneficial Side Effect
The F & D & DPA (Food & Drug & Dance Party Administration) announced today that the drug frenzanoid normally used to induce physical activity in sloths, opposums and lemurs has found to have a beneficial side effect in humans and that it would be approved for general use immediately if not sooner.
Using "volunteer" Noj Sucram (shown at left while under the spell of frenzanoid who is visiting the U.S. from Svalbard and who lost all his hard earned krones on a Mississippi coast floating gambling boat and dental spa) drug giant Eli Lilly found that frenzanoid could induce beneficial psychotic states in humans. After what seemed like a really long and awkward silence Whirled HQ reporter on the spot, Lane Chamberlain, asked, "Like what kind of benefit?"
"Good question, responded Lilly spokesmodel, Basil Cleftinger, Frenzanoid if used correctly can induce a Jungian concept of the collective unconscious, archetypes and so on, that could then make the user entertain ideas of mythological reality, deities and so on. A fairly cool experience in this modern world."
"Oh", replied the collective conscious of the room of reality based reporters.
Meaning of New Transportation Department Road Sign Unclear
After seeing this unusual road sign along U.S. Hwy 411, New Bluffington, FL, our Whirled HQ reporter at large, Tam Regrebnesor, made a meaningful inquiry to the Department of Transportation as to what the heckinger the sign means. United States Department o' Transportation and Road Sign spokesmodel, Lane B. Chamberlain, handsome and sturdy as ever cleared his throat, pursed his perfect lips and said, "Hmmm. I'm not sure? Where did you see it? Are you sure it is ours? Was there a hat in the road ahead? With a red circle around it? Wow. I'll have to get back to you on that? What do you think? Did it work for you? It is a nice hat, isn't it? Maybe, if the sign is ours and I'm not saying it is, what would you think if the sign had like a baseball hat or a derby on it? What about a ski mask? No, probably not? Something rakish but not threatening? Perhaps an Indiana Jones thing? Its rakish and adventurous without the implied threat of danger, no?
"I Used To Be So Incredibly Buff! But look at me now!
It's unbelievable." Les Nyland, Zip City, Maryland's excruciatingly to the point stud muffin stated, "My pectoralis majora and my gluteus ironosaurus are particularly Buffinating. Did I really say Buffinating? - - - Did you know Buffinating rhymes with urinating? I didn't." Les explained his workout regimen boiled down to pretending pencils and individually wrapped slices of American cheese weigh as much as a 1964 Cadillac Coup de Ville. "That way, my pecs and trex and lats and abs and glutes get scammed into permanent hyperbuffination plus I don't have to lift those extremely heavy barbells." Bellowed the sharply chiseled Les Nyland, "I have achieved the Shangri LaLa of Buffdom--I am so goddam buff I could buff fuck a rhino! I am stronger than corned beef!!"
Secrets of Art Photography Revealed
Famed Whirled HQ photographer, really deep sea diver and world class yodeler, Nivlac Ymagrub, revealed one of his secrets to transform routine, everyday, humdrum family and/or vacation photos into art by using the example to the left. States Ymagrub, "OK, so I was taking these boring photos of the beach and I was about to fall asleep while I was taking them when I was attacked by a flock of seagulls who were mistaking my manly shell necklace for food so I threw my camera to chase off the freaking nuisance fowl and to make a long story short I must have not been thinking because it wasn't my best idea or finest hour plus the camera is a Nikon F-16 Super Trifocal High Def Promenade so as it arced gracefully toward its eventual sandy destination I dove for it as it was about to hit the beach and when I did the oh-so-quiet shutter snapped and took this picture which is very arty so the point is just do it and it will happen cause you can't wait for art to happen you got to push the limits without messing up the camera of course and then where are you?"
Home Cleverly Added to Trailer
Local resident Jillian "Mox" Feenx has recently attached a real nice home to her trailer. The Ft. Grifters, Ga native needed a little extra space to house her 3 grandchildren that she was caring for after her son Beau Jackson and daughter-in-law Merleen were convicted on bank robbery and sedition charges last spring and sent to Spurellboro Detention Center (a.k.a. Little Gitmo). "Well I sat there looking and wondering how I was going to make this scenario work with the kids and all and it hit me like a bad whirled hq poem. Bada bing bada boom! I just pictured this purty little house cozied up to my Windthumper Plus that Big Ray bought just before the accident, god rest his soul, and it felt so natural. I just put air in the tires and hired Russel T. to build it 'cause he owes me one. Plus I figure in a couple of years at least one of the teenagers, especially Little Ray or Cleetus, is goin' to enjoy a lengthy overnight at the big house in Spurellboro. They just got the mean streak like their Mommy and Diddy. After that I will sitting in the lap o' luxury."
Mexico Readies Tequila for U.S. Superbowl
Mexican farmers unload tons of the Agave tequilana* plant in order to produce the vast quantities of tequila and mezcal in time for the Superbowl. Tequila and mezcal, according to most sports fans, will get you drunker quicker. And its practically gospel that that is what the Superbowl is all about: "drunker quicker." According to famed Whirled HQ psychiatrist, Bleeven Betron Slovinkystern: "Our studies show that no one ever watches the game. They are just plowing back shooters of tequila and mezcal and generally dry humping furniture. Its a uniquely north american male thing. They don't even watch the much bally-hooed commercials because if you're bonko on teeq and dry humping a throw pillow, well, who really cares about Bud Lite. I must say that we have had a small up-bump in viewing the actual game (around .006%) since New England has been in the Big Game. Our survey shows the increase is do to Man Crushes on Tom Brady, the strikingly handsome, squared jawed and nearly flawless quarterback of the Patriots. Some guys just can't take their eyes off the svelte and bodacious curvedness of his scrumptious backside."
*Tequila is produced by removing the heart of the plant in its twelfth year, normally weighing between 35-90 kg (77-198 lbs). This heart is stripped of leaves and heated to remove the sap, which is fermented and distilled. Other beverages like Mezcal and Pulque are also produced from Blue and other agaves by different methods (though still using the sap) and are regarded as more traditional.
Mysterious Device Prompts Speculation
A mysterious device (shown here, actually a little to the left) photographed in an urban area of a big city near a small town has prompted much speculation by those who have seen it and those who have only heard it described. "Weird, ungodly, curious, strange, unnatural and ghostly" are all adjectives this HQ reporter has heard the "thing" characterized. I saw it myself (see there on the left?) and I would describe it as something seen in like Plan Nineteen from Outer Space or The Day the Earth Stood Very Still because it doesn't have anything written on it like Delphi Optics, Opticon Instruments from Cleevland, OH or some such but at least it didn't have those space hieroglyphics either. What do you think?
Whirled HQ charter member watches Firemen Watch Fire
Calvin Burgamy, HQ charter member stopped for a few minutes during his free time to watch members of the Atlanta Fire Department watch a fire. "It was great. They watched the fire and I watched them watching the fire. Of course, I also watched the fire as well. As a sentient being I am able to divide my attention. Like right now I am writing this and watching MTv Reality TV and whoa...! talk about fire. This is hot."
Where have you gone Edward Tuggle?
Giant Women of Sandusky, OH visit Normal, KS
Pheronika Kornelius, one of the famed giant women of Sandusky, OH, visited the town of Normal, KS and found getting around a little more difficult than "normal". Kornelius said, "Hey, it ain't normal if you ask me! Is there an Abnormal, KS where a normal person from Sandusky, OH might go and get a few more millimeters of breathing room?" The men of Normal, KS after seeing the women crouched sheepishly in the tight corners of their small respective abodes and could only dream of the giant women patting their behinds with giant womanly hands, the women bringing home large slabs of bacon and all the while protecting them from unforeseen dangers.
HQ Charter Member Ignores Waitress' Warning and Packs It Away Like There is No Tomorrow.Whirled HQ Charter member, Chippendale dancer and former Soviet cosmonaut (really!) Jon Marcus consumed vast quantities of Iowan "grub" in spite of alarmed waitress Gwen Cliijisters' warning (see arrow in photo) that he was eating "wayyy tooo much!" Cliijisters continued, "I mean the dude was packing it away like there was no corn tomorrow. See what I'm saying? And this is his 4th plate. You'd think his stomach had lost touch with reality. Its like global warming except he ate global warming and then he ate the first Ice Age. He ate a shank steak with a side of chicken, a pheasant and some fantastic Iowa corn bread. Next he ate the "Twin City Special"-- that's a plate of taters, an absolute mess of chipped beef and a side o' veggies boiled in cabbage juice. Then he ate.......oh, hell its making me sick just thinking about it." A slightly disoriented Marcus was last seen staggering down the aisles of the Soy Sea Food Product Test Fest at the Iowa State Fair.
Origins of Internet Found.
Renowned world wide interwebologists at Whirled HQ have discovered where the interweb comes from. See the red arrow pointing to the pink cord? The pink cord is the world wide interweb. All the boatloads of cool stuff and bucketloads of steaming B.S. starts right there. The world wide interwebologists at Whirled HQ stumbled across the connection during their 5th annual Snipe Hunt and Witness Protection Partay. While waiting to trap a snipe for what seemed like an excruciatingly long time Matt Rosenberger, charter HQ member and winner of last summer's Monster Beefcake and Thin Thong Award at the Ramada Inn, Nag's Head Island, NC, spotted something blinking by this holly bush. At the base of the holly bush was this open metal door that was painted camouflage to facilitate its blending in with the natural surroundings. Rosenberger opened the door and saw what you see in that picture. Not knowing what it was he removed the pink wire. When he eventually got home he couldn't connect to the world wide interweb so he went back and plugged the wire back in and when he got back home voila! Internet! Rosenberger refuses to reveal the exact location for fear evil forces would use the interweb for its own nefarious purposes much like they do now but at least they can't turn off the never ending supply of interwebness.
Whirled HQ Test New Fangled Machine from British Columbia
