Item: Retail Concept Announces Expansion Plans.

Graham County Wireless & Gifts ☼ Jewelry ● Cosmetics store head trip manager Donald “Dolph” Fish announced to Whirled HQ local news reporter, Lane Chamberlane, after mustering his manly gusto, “Hey, Graham County wireless customers and esteemed other county residents, we’re gonna add some really exciting stuff here at Graham County Wireless & Gifts ☼ Jewelry ● Cosmetics, stuff you gotta leave Graham County to get now, like dry goods, lingerie, switchblades, accounting aids, small bullets, big targets, time pieces, butterfly sutures, large Rolaids, axle grease, gift wrapping, spice, disposable seat covers, pre-paid legal, topo maps, renter’s insurance, fruit cake, drano, lard, petunias, ho-maid cider, gorgonzola, nose clippers, tire irons, daily calendars, tri-county regional airport duty-free vouchers, our own area restaurant reviews even though we still eat there, marbles, funnel cake whipping funnels, iron slinkys, air kites, and 19% wool-blend beanies, plus we’re gonna add a front door so it’ll be easier to get inside and buy some of this amazing stuff.”
Added "Dolph", " I mean what in the name of almighty hell have we got to lose, besides everything, which isn’t all that much, cuz we ain't got much anyway."

People Line Up Accordingly

People at Robinson Plaza in Atlanta, GA lined up accordingly according to Lane Chamberlane, Whirled HQ star reporter. Said Chamberlane, "People got in a straight line for about three blocks. This one guy tried to make the line zig or zag but everyone self corrected him and said 'no way we are zigging or zagging 'cause when god says line up accordingly what you gonna do but line up accordingly and most likely accordingly is a straight line'. " Apparently once a property is declared god's property you got to do what the "man" sez. If you know what I mean.

Item: Nursing Home Doesn’t Seek More Big-Breasted Staff To Nurture Elderly Men. Or does it?
“Our official name is Eureka County Happy Hunting Grounds Valley Villa,” states local area manager Babs Kunsey, “but around here they mainly call us You Reeka Mountains. We’re just doing what works. We know our clients (horny old men), and since our clients benefit from a highly cleaved environment, we are proud to display the aforementioned cleavage.”
Agrees longtime resident Fritz Fountains, “It’s really helped tons. I’ve been here since I was nineteen, and without all these giant hooters to hoist me over life’s valleys, I probably wouldna made it past twenty-two.”
Mr. Fountains, now a distracted yet focused fifty-six, continues to benefit from the feel-good environment, as do virtually all of the other nine residents at You Reeka who uniformly attest that the dry high plains air and the lofty contours of the nursing staff conspire to create an ideal, non-threatening environment for optimal male "maturation". (If you know what I mean)

Item: Elected Official Protests Charges.
State Senator Thackery “Thud” LeChupp, representing the Umpteenth District in the Georgia General Assembly, this morning while erect on the steps of his prebellum eleven-chimneyed manor villa domicile on the old family acreage in downtown Chuppston, a downtown that consists of little other than the major manor villa domicile and a pig sty, bellowed that he has not been a habitual user of philosophical escort services, as alleged by GBI informers who insist that he was propped up in General Assembly debates by the whispered wisdom of Pladonna Aristittle, who has ties to Dualism or Duh Hostess Concepts of Moultrie, Georgia.
“Perhaps Ms. Tittle, as she’s known in downtown Chuppston, did remind me, with a nipplistic nudge, of my modest debt to Alfred North Whitehead when arguing hard-boiled logical determinism on The Assembly Floor in favor of the Beef-to-Bones Cloture Proclamation, and seeing as I damnshore did my damndest to let the air out of the naturalistic phallacy that had infected the bill since its inception over in Jeremy Betham’s Consequentialism; yes, so maybe she did non-verbally remind me of my deep epistemological roots in Spinoza, who is obviously the great-grandaddy of the South Georgia School of Deep Thought, of which Ms. Tittle happens to be a major headlamp.”
When sought for comment to corroborate Senator LeChupp’s protestations, Ms. Aistittle explained with a bit of huffery and puffery that univerals do not have an independent existence apart from the collection of their instances, and therefore whatever the GBI was alleging was incontrovertibly bogus from any ontological, semiotic Weltanschauung.
Senator LeChupp emitted a quite overwrought, “Fuck Yeah!” at the delicately deconstructed conclusion of Ms. Aristittle’s breathy phenomenologicalism. Observors generally agreed that the senator’s impromptu explicative contributed perhaps a bit of welcome froth to both the lilt and the heft of her intriguing epistemological position.