Item: Elected Official Protests Charges.
State Senator Thackery “Thud” LeChupp, representing the Umpteenth District in the Georgia General Assembly, this morning while erect on the steps of his prebellum eleven-chimneyed manor villa domicile on the old family acreage in downtown Chuppston, a downtown that consists of little other than the major manor villa domicile and a pig sty, bellowed that he has not been a habitual user of philosophical escort services, as alleged by GBI informers who insist that he was propped up in General Assembly debates by the whispered wisdom of Pladonna Aristittle, who has ties to Dualism or Duh Hostess Concepts of Moultrie, Georgia.
“Perhaps Ms. Tittle, as she’s known in downtown Chuppston, did remind me, with a nipplistic nudge, of my modest debt to Alfred North Whitehead when arguing hard-boiled logical determinism on The Assembly Floor in favor of the Beef-to-Bones Cloture Proclamation, and seeing as I damnshore did my damndest to let the air out of the naturalistic phallacy that had infected the bill since its inception over in Jeremy Betham’s Consequentialism; yes, so maybe she did non-verbally remind me of my deep epistemological roots in Spinoza, who is obviously the great-grandaddy of the South Georgia School of Deep Thought, of which Ms. Tittle happens to be a major headlamp.”
When sought for comment to corroborate Senator LeChupp’s protestations, Ms. Aistittle explained with a bit of huffery and puffery that univerals do not have an independent existence apart from the collection of their instances, and therefore whatever the GBI was alleging was incontrovertibly bogus from any ontological, semiotic Weltanschauung.
Senator LeChupp emitted a quite overwrought, “Fuck Yeah!” at the delicately deconstructed conclusion of Ms. Aristittle’s breathy phenomenologicalism. Observors generally agreed that the senator’s impromptu explicative contributed perhaps a bit of welcome froth to both the lilt and the heft of her intriguing epistemological position.