Can Nature & Man Coexist? Hmmmmm...?
With a beautiful, restful, clear and delightful sunset sky dotted by a vagrant cloud and juxtaposed in the distance to a cell phone tower's silhoutte , one can easily contemplate a mutually beneficial coexistence between man and nature. Why can't we have cell phones and tv and world wide interwebness and at the same time live on the beach with aqua blue waves lapping lovingly against an isolated seashore licking the soles of our feet as we press our sexual things against one another in the raw heady physicality of carnal desire and enjoy the air and and boogie boarding or simlpy dry humping a sand castle on the white and sunny seashore and reading a totally crappy mystery novel as it "races" to its inevitable conclusion?

Creative Uses for Government Crane
The Georgia state government has found new and creative uses for its new 250, 000 dollar crane. It is used to keep a ladder from being stolen. Each night crane operator, Felix Algernon, attaches a 12 foot aluminum ladder to the crane and hoists it 5 stories in the air and out of reach of thieves and insidous ladder looters who skulk around government buildings looking for unsecured items suchs as 12 foot ladders, ropes, industrial work gloves, road paint, road cones, road reflectors, WD-40, tire irons, keys, bits of string and tin foil. Since the crane has been used to secure this ladder no one has stolen the ladder which is valued at about 90 government bucks.

Rural Dweller Comes to Big City
Clay Burfield, from Roopville, GA came to visit his second cousion Monk Perkster in Atlanta, GA and was quite taken with the sites, sounds and smells of the big city. Said Burfield, "It had an unpleasant aroma at times but then again so does Roopville on a hot summer day when you are standing in the cow pasture. They tol me that a guy from Buena Vista, GA painted the head I'm sittin' next to and that his name was Saint E.O.M. I was mighty impressed and asked Monk to take my picture which he did and there it is. The folks back at home are going to be sorry they missed this trip because not only did I sit next to a giant painted head I ate some stinky cheese and drove a rental car down the freeway at 80 miles per hour with only a couple of feet separating me from everyone else. You gotta have a large pair in your nutsack to do this everyday. Whew!"

Manhole Out of Wank
Workers in Le Mars, IA neglected to realign a manhole after a sewer repair and that has been worrying drivers and pedestrians by its out of alignment look. According to ace Whirled HQ reporter Lane Chamberlane, resident Jane Flookster said, "It makes me nervous. Its out of wank. How long would it have taken to turn the manhole 10 degrees left. Sheesh. Everytime I pass by I feel unnaturally apprehensive. Its like I'm waiting to take off in a plane or sitting in the dentist's waiting room just before a root canal. Our government is not working!"

Bicyclist Crash Lands at Heliport
A slightly confused bicycler, Robert "Bob" Bleeker, from Westhester, TX was found dazed and disorientated at the Drummond Heliport in De Funiak Springs, FL yesterday. Whirled HQ reporter of the month in the Florida Panhandle, Lane Chamberlane, stated Bleeker was "out of it" and unable to reorientate himself. Apparently Bleeker was biking down the byway by himself on a balmy and beautiful day between Westhester and Bevins, TX when a blast of hot air blew him off the road and into the air flown by the fates and a fickle wind after which he found himself in De Funiak Springs, Florida. It was only later that he discovered there was a political primary producing prolific amounts of pompous parlance and hot impetuous harangues that may have caused the strong swirling vortex of verbage that lifted him from Westhester, TX to De Funiak Springs, Fl.

Jellyfish Observe Humans (or so they think)
In the controlled environment of an aquarium located in the U.S. of A. jellyfish lure humans - using emotionally soothing blue colored light - to come within a few feet. In order to more closely observe natural behavior the jellyfish make it appear that the humans are observing the jellyfish when in fact the opposite is true. To make the feat even more astonishing the humans pay the big bucks for the "privilege" of being observed. However, in a weird turn of voyeuristic events whirled renowned Whirled HQ reporter, Lane Chamberlane, stated he was told (on condition of anonymity) that a third entity was involved and that "they" (whoever "they/the entity" are or is) had actually lured the jellyfish to build the "aquarium" so that the jellyfish would think they were the ones who were observing when in fact all parties except "they/it" were the ones being observed. Chamberlane said he left the area in a hurry feeling a little creepy and immediately took a hot shower when arriving "safely" at "home".

Lost Cat
A torn lost pet sign was found in the Little 5 Points area of Atlanta, GA.
Whirled HQ reporter at large, Lane Chamberlane, found the sign with these words still readable: Lost, One front tooth missing, Quite Awesome ...ce you get to ..now her!, Kittish black f...., ...y to avoid skin, and one black leg, "hopping" run,
Please call w/ any, 04 309.

Important Sign Made Duly Note Of
With family standing unawares, Nivlac Ymagrub, displaying his early promise in the geographical arts, points out an interesting and somewhat important sign that is just overhead. Said Ymagrub, "Duly noted."

Super Valuable Foto of Tom Brady's First Throw Found
Whirled HQ's super secret underground celebrity task force has unearthed family photos of New England Patriots quarterback superstar Tom Brady's first time ever throwing a ball.
Estimated to be worth about 80 million dollars the pictures shows Brady with a warm fuzzy soft practice helmet and displaying the grace and skill that would come to define his lazer like hurling abilities later in his NFL career. According to Whirled HQ's super secret underground celebrity task force sources Brady threw this ball about 200 yards and penetrated the nearly impenetrable steel/mocalvinium alloy exoskeleton of a piece of heavy duty heavy yellow equipment Brady's dad kept for just such occasions.

Out of Control Cactus
Phleg Phlegler of Sand, Arizona bought a pet cactus a year ago at Larry's Year Round Plant-o-rama with the intention of keeping it on his kitchen shelf and watching it bloom every 7 or 10 years. However, according to Larry Klaver, owner of Larry's Year Round Plant-o-rama, "A seed of the "Big Cacti" must've got mixed in with the Extra-Dwarf Deca-Bloom variety. It happens."
A somewhat timid Phlegler says, "I have to keep moving it or it gets angry."

Whirled HQ Test New Fangled Machine from British Columbia
Whirled HQ charter members Tam Regrebnesor and Nivlac Ymagrub
are pictured here testing a new fangled device sent to them by this guy they know in British Columbia. The device came with no instructions as to the purpose so Whirled HQ put its intellectual shoulder to the wheel and began testing. The strange glass orb has some kind of heating mechanism inside it and there is a clear plastic, flexible tube that attaches to the orb. The plastic appears to either let air in or let air out. Regrebnesor is seen in the photo inhaling a "test" substance that was lit inside the glass. So far no firm conclusions have been reached but just as a wild guess, HQ is thinking that it could be used for smoking weed. That's just a guess mind you so don't go writing someone about anything. Whirled HQ, through its press spokesmodel, Lane Chamberlane, says, "We'll get back to you in due time."

Woman rests in peace.
Acinorev Blezu rested peacefully today after months of slaving away in a horrible nine to five government job which consisted of counting manhole covers, storm drains and flag poles in the tri-butte area around Dust City, AZ and once she had them counted and listed in the Big Book of Government Material Goods & Services, she would then start over because by that time the number of manholes, storm drains and flag poles would have changed due to increased government services, natural causes, teenage angst and anti-government protest. Blezu decided to "take five" in the St. Blastergast Memorial Gardens by removing her hot thick government issued work boots and just sitting the fuck down. Said Blezu, "I could get used to being in a cemetery."

Boys readied for journey across life (as we know it) on U.S.S. Consternation
With sturdy shoes, steel buckets (not shown) and snappy plaid safety outerwear, 2 young boys begin life's journey with a smile on their face, hope in their hearts and absolutely nothing in their heads. They begin a fateful journey, on the fabled ship, the U.S.S. Consternation, that will take them to places unknown, people unseen, sites unheard of. Their carefully preselected guide, Col. Clayton, will help them from getting killed or raped on the dangerous early stages of life's phantasmogorical and sometimes sordid and squalid journey. Whirled HQ reporter, Lane Chamberlane, will provide regular updates on our brave young travelers. Au revoir and bon voyage!!

Man has "Georgia on My Mind" over his head.
Olzsal Zsuarts, visiting the state of Georgia, U.S.A., from Hungary has mind over his head in a clever placing of self in relation to the world famous phrase and official state song of Georgia which is in the United States of America and is purported to be the largest state east of the Mississippi River but which some dispute based some recently come to light facts that it is not really the biggest state east of the Mississippi but that, my friends, is fuel for a spirited official Whirled HQ debate on some other day.

Tribute to Pencil-Necked Geeks Erected
City officials, wearing Windows Vista bow ties and plastic pocket pencil holders, in Redmond, CA cut the ribbon on a new statue that salutes all the pencil-neck geeks in the home of Microsoft, Inc.
Thousands of nerdy pencil-necked geeks turned out for the tribute. There was much guffawing, high fiving and text messaging and portable device communication. At the end of the official ceremony everyone gave each other a wedgie and laughed at the absurdity of it all.

Noj Sucram on Rollercoaster Ride
After two months on the drug frenzanoid, Noj Sucram from Svalbard, has been switched to the drug drowsanine. Frenzanoid produces a psychotic type state and drowsanine a schweepy, flannel pjs, nite-nite sensation. Eli Lilly is studying the effects of both drugs and their combination to see if they can produce a life like rollercoaster effect. Says Lilly spokesmodel Cliff Jesters, "Some people don't experience life like it CAN be experienced so we are trying to induce the dramatic ups and downs of an actor or actress or Brittany Spears. Noj has been pretty even keel his whole life and never done much of anything so we decided to take him on the ride of his life!"
When asked about how he was feeling Noj said, "I don't mind telling you I'm a little schweepy."

New Drug Has Beneficial Side Effect
The F & D & DPA (Food & Drug & Dance Party Administration) announced today that the drug frenzanoid normally used to induce physical activity in sloths, opposums and lemurs has found to have a beneficial side effect in humans and that it would be approved for general use immediately if not sooner.
Using "volunteer" Noj Sucram (shown at left while under the spell of frenzanoid who is visiting the U.S. from Svalbard and who lost all his hard earned krones on a Mississippi coast floating gambling boat and dental spa) drug giant Eli Lilly found that frenzanoid could induce beneficial psychotic states in humans. After what seemed like a really long and awkward silence Whirled HQ reporter on the spot, Lane Chamberlain, asked, "Like what kind of benefit?"
"Good question, responded Lilly spokesmodel, Basil Cleftinger, Frenzanoid if used correctly can induce a Jungian concept of the collective unconscious, archetypes and so on, that could then make the user entertain ideas of mythological reality, deities and so on. A fairly cool experience in this modern world."
"Oh", replied the collective conscious of the room of reality based reporters.

Meaning of New Transportation Department Road Sign Unclear
After seeing this unusual road sign along U.S. Hwy 411, New Bluffington, FL, our Whirled HQ reporter at large, Tam Regrebnesor, made a meaningful inquiry to the Department of Transportation as to what the heckinger the sign means. United States Department o' Transportation and Road Sign spokesmodel, Lane B. Chamberlain, handsome and sturdy as ever cleared his throat, pursed his perfect lips and said, "Hmmm. I'm not sure? Where did you see it? Are you sure it is ours? Was there a hat in the road ahead? With a red circle around it? Wow. I'll have to get back to you on that? What do you think? Did it work for you? It is a nice hat, isn't it? Maybe, if the sign is ours and I'm not saying it is, what would you think if the sign had like a baseball hat or a derby on it? What about a ski mask? No, probably not? Something rakish but not threatening? Perhaps an Indiana Jones thing? Its rakish and adventurous without the implied threat of danger, no?

"I Used To Be So Incredibly Buff! But look at me now!
It's unbelievable." Les Nyland, Zip City, Maryland's excruciatingly to the point stud muffin stated, "My pectoralis majora and my gluteus ironosaurus are particularly Buffinating. Did I really say Buffinating? - - - Did you know Buffinating rhymes with urinating? I didn't." Les explained his workout regimen boiled down to pretending pencils and individually wrapped slices of American cheese weigh as much as a 1964 Cadillac Coup de Ville. "That way, my pecs and trex and lats and abs and glutes get scammed into permanent hyperbuffination plus I don't have to lift those extremely heavy barbells." Bellowed the sharply chiseled Les Nyland, "I have achieved the Shangri LaLa of Buffdom--I am so goddam buff I could buff fuck a rhino! I am stronger than corned beef!!"

Secrets of Art Photography Revealed
Famed Whirled HQ photographer, really deep sea diver and world class yodeler, Nivlac Ymagrub, revealed one of his secrets to transform routine, everyday, humdrum family and/or vacation photos into art by using the example to the left. States Ymagrub, "OK, so I was taking these boring photos of the beach and I was about to fall asleep while I was taking them when I was attacked by a flock of seagulls who were mistaking my manly shell necklace for food so I threw my camera to chase off the freaking nuisance fowl and to make a long story short I must have not been thinking because it wasn't my best idea or finest hour plus the camera is a Nikon F-16 Super Trifocal High Def Promenade so as it arced gracefully toward its eventual sandy destination I dove for it as it was about to hit the beach and when I did the oh-so-quiet shutter snapped and took this picture which is very arty so the point is just do it and it will happen cause you can't wait for art to happen you got to push the limits without messing up the camera of course and then where are you?"