Whirled HQ Live

2008-07-08T04:17:00.000-07:00

Man with X-Ray Eyeglasses Can See Right Through "Things"
Cleef Lakker of Huffakers, NV has a skill highly prized by high school boys everywhere. He can see right through things -- like for instance clothing to name one thing. States Lakker: "Wow! I didn't believe the ad in Manly Crusader magazine but for 22 bucks what did I have to lose? Not only do the glasses look quite classy I can see everything if you know what I mean!"
Unfortunately for Lakker his retinas exploded after two weeks wear and he is spending most of his time in the Dolph Lundgren School for men who act like boys.

The Male Gaze

2008-05-20T04:45:00.000-07:00

Laura Mulvey, film person, notices this guy looking at her, circa 1975, and postulates that in hollywood film audiences are forced to follow the characters and action through a heterosexual lens. "I went like, ooo la la. I could write a book about that!" said Mulvey. And she did and kicked some major male gazing ass. Things have changed overnight since then and the entire of hollywood has seen the error of their male gazing ways and produced three decades of enlightened cinema. It's been amazing really. Hasn't it?

Item: Retail Concept Announces Expansion Plans.

2008-04-15T22:19:00.001-07:00

Graham County Wireless & Gifts ☼ Jewelry ● Cosmetics store head trip manager Donald “Dolph” Fish announced to Whirled HQ local news reporter, Lane Chamberlane, after mustering his manly gusto, “Hey, Graham County wireless customers and esteemed other county residents, we’re gonna add some really exciting stuff here at Graham County Wireless & Gifts ☼ Jewelry ● Cosmetics, stuff you gotta leave Graham County to get now, like dry goods, lingerie, switchblades, accounting aids, small bullets, big targets, time pieces, butterfly sutures, large Rolaids, axle grease, gift wrapping, spice, disposable seat covers, pre-paid legal, topo maps, renter’s insurance, fruit cake, drano, lard, petunias, ho-maid cider, gorgonzola, nose clippers, tire irons, daily calendars, tri-county regional airport duty-free vouchers, our own area restaurant reviews even though we still eat there, marbles, funnel cake whipping funnels, iron slinkys, air kites, and 19% wool-blend beanies, plus we’re gonna add a front door so it’ll be easier to get inside and buy some of this amazing stuff.”
Added "Dolph", " I mean what in the name of almighty hell have we got to lose, besides everything, which isn’t all that much, cuz we ain't got much anyway."

People Line Up Accordingly

2008-04-15T18:00:00.001-07:00

People at Robinson Plaza in Atlanta, GA lined up accordingly according to Lane Chamberlane, Whirled HQ star reporter. Said Chamberlane, "People got in a straight line for about three blocks. This one guy tried to make the line zig or zag but everyone self corrected him and said 'no way we are zigging or zagging 'cause when god says line up accordingly what you gonna do but line up accordingly and most likely accordingly is a straight line'. " Apparently once a property is declared god's property you got to do what the "man" sez. If you know what I mean.

2008-04-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

Item: Nursing Home Doesn’t Seek More Big-Breasted Staff To Nurture Elderly Men. Or does it?
“Our official name is Eureka County Happy Hunting Grounds Valley Villa,” states local area manager Babs Kunsey, “but around here they mainly call us You Reeka Mountains. We’re just doing what works. We know our clients (horny old men), and since our clients benefit from a highly cleaved environment, we are proud to display the aforementioned cleavage.”
Agrees longtime resident Fritz Fountains, “It’s really helped tons. I’ve been here since I was nineteen, and without all these giant hooters to hoist me over life’s valleys, I probably wouldna made it past twenty-two.”
Mr. Fountains, now a distracted yet focused fifty-six, continues to benefit from the feel-good environment, as do virtually all of the other nine residents at You Reeka who uniformly attest that the dry high plains air and the lofty contours of the nursing staff conspire to create an ideal, non-threatening environment for optimal male "maturation". (If you know what I mean)

2008-04-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

Item: Elected Official Protests Charges.
State Senator Thackery “Thud” LeChupp, representing the Umpteenth District in the Georgia General Assembly, this morning while erect on the steps of his prebellum eleven-chimneyed manor villa domicile on the old family acreage in downtown Chuppston, a downtown that consists of little other than the major manor villa domicile and a pig sty, bellowed that he has not been a habitual user of philosophical escort services, as alleged by GBI informers who insist that he was propped up in General Assembly debates by the whispered wisdom of Pladonna Aristittle, who has ties to Dualism or Duh Hostess Concepts of Moultrie, Georgia.
“Perhaps Ms. Tittle, as she’s known in downtown Chuppston, did remind me, with a nipplistic nudge, of my modest debt to Alfred North Whitehead when arguing hard-boiled logical determinism on The Assembly Floor in favor of the Beef-to-Bones Cloture Proclamation, and seeing as I damnshore did my damndest to let the air out of the naturalistic phallacy that had infected the bill since its inception over in Jeremy Betham’s Consequentialism; yes, so maybe she did non-verbally remind me of my deep epistemological roots in Spinoza, who is obviously the great-grandaddy of the South Georgia School of Deep Thought, of which Ms. Tittle happens to be a major headlamp.”
When sought for comment to corroborate Senator LeChupp’s protestations, Ms. Aistittle explained with a bit of huffery and puffery that univerals do not have an independent existence apart from the collection of their instances, and therefore whatever the GBI was alleging was incontrovertibly bogus from any ontological, semiotic Weltanschauung.
Senator LeChupp emitted a quite overwrought, “Fuck Yeah!” at the delicately deconstructed conclusion of Ms. Aristittle’s breathy phenomenologicalism. Observors generally agreed that the senator’s impromptu explicative contributed perhaps a bit of welcome froth to both the lilt and the heft of her intriguing epistemological position.

2008-03-25T17:33:00.000-07:00

Scary-ass Rottenwiler doesn't make any fucking sound whatsoever.
Whirled HQ reporter, Lane Chamberlane, came across this beautifully domesticated animal
while reporting on an insider investigative insinuater underground story involving politicians and prostitutes and money and even sex.
Anyhow, Lane is walking around Teenth St. where prostitutes and pimps and johns hang out and Lane is pretending that he wants sexual favors in exchange for cash when he comes across the gate that guards the reputed "King of Pimps", Edward "Heavy" Johnson and when Lane passes the gate this dog just walks up and looks at him with a cold regard and never barking or even panting and when Lane approached more closely the scary-ass thing just looked at him quietly and you could see his brain saying, "I'm not saying nothing right now but if you come over here I'll rip your collarbone off and then I'll sit next to you while you bleed to death." Damn.

2008-03-21T03:57:00.000-07:00

Mafia Hit Man Caught in Traffic Dino DeDinatti, trigger man for the recently attenuated Concetto Crimo Familiariario, got stuck in a crapload of traffic on interstate 75 near Hahira, Georgia, while packing the body of the still warm yet extremely decapitated Tony "Hats" Clemente-Finzi (minus the hats) on the roof of his V-8 1991 Chevron Algonquin City Villanese Town Car Primo Connally SuedeLuxe Dreamboat Swallow Supreme. DeDonati, drinking steadily from the barrel of a whiskey flask disguised as a colt .45 since Florida, and flummoxed by the jam on the supposed "freeway", swerved impulsively into the HOV lane, reasoning that the trusty Algonquin was after all carrying more than one body on its way north, and anyhow did the Pope say both bodies had to be actively respirating or what?
Dino grabbed a bit of daylight, and floored the fifty-five hundred pound behemoth, plus the "dead weight" of Clemente-Finzi lashed to the roof rack with bungy cords and duct tape. Soon after, DeDinatti was clocked by a local highway patrolman at ninety-nine miles an hour, which piqued the lawman's dormant doughnut fed curiosity, not to mention the nifty suede wingtips protruding between the grommets of the blue vinyl tarp on the roof as it sped past the Exit 361 Cafe Erotica billboard they usually parked behind.
"SO? . . what's your hurry, need a shoe shine?" inquired Officer Ed "Hoss" Lumbah, Lieutenant Major First Class of Willowcoochee County, Georgia, sauntering up and leaning a hand against the open window of the Algonquin.
Responded a deadpan DeDinatti, "Officer, That is an excellent question and requires an honest and straightforward answer which I am more than glad to provide, that is, and I say this with all sincerity, so listen close -- we're traveling rapidly in the HOV Lane only because the my good friend and confidant, the late Mr. Finzi, requested to be laid to rest beneath the moss topped permafrost located in the deep northern and icy wastes of.... Chicken, Alaska."
To which Officer Lumbah responded with a derisive chuckle, "Chicken, Alaska, really? Well, mister Dee-do-knotty, I think you better get your bering strait, good buddy."
At which moment Mr. DeDinatti drifted off into a zone of rapt inattention pregnant with possibility. He pondered aggressively flooring his Chevron Algonquin Swallow Supreme, once again harnessing the explosive power of refined petroleum to propel him at brisk yet breakneck speeds across the county line and towards Clemente-Finzi's final resting places and then keep driving and leaving behind his life of crime and perhaps settling on a corner lot in Chicken, Alaska and living the thin life in the witness protection program but without the government stickin' a speculum up his ass.

2008-03-19T17:46:00.001-07:00

Can Nature & Man Coexist? Hmmmmm...?
With a beautiful, restful, clear and delightful sunset sky dotted by a vagrant cloud and juxtaposed in the distance to a cell phone tower's silhoutte , one can easily contemplate a mutually beneficial coexistence between man and nature. Why can't we have cell phones and tv and world wide interwebness and at the same time live on the beach with aqua blue waves lapping lovingly against an isolated seashore licking the soles of our feet as we press our sexual things against one another in the raw heady physicality of carnal desire and enjoy the air and and boogie boarding or simlpy dry humping a sand castle on the white and sunny seashore and reading a totally crappy mystery novel as it "races" to its inevitable conclusion?

2008-03-18T04:13:00.001-07:00

Creative Uses for Government Crane
The Georgia state government has found new and creative uses for its new 250, 000 dollar crane. It is used to keep a ladder from being stolen. Each night crane operator, Felix Algernon, attaches a 12 foot aluminum ladder to the crane and hoists it 5 stories in the air and out of reach of thieves and insidous ladder looters who skulk around government buildings looking for unsecured items suchs as 12 foot ladders, ropes, industrial work gloves, road paint, road cones, road reflectors, WD-40, tire irons, keys, bits of string and tin foil. Since the crane has been used to secure this ladder no one has stolen the ladder which is valued at about 90 government bucks.

2008-03-13T18:04:00.001-07:00

Rural Dweller Comes to Big City
Clay Burfield, from Roopville, GA came to visit his second cousion Monk Perkster in Atlanta, GA and was quite taken with the sites, sounds and smells of the big city. Said Burfield, "It had an unpleasant aroma at times but then again so does Roopville on a hot summer day when you are standing in the cow pasture. They tol me that a guy from Buena Vista, GA painted the head I'm sittin' next to and that his name was Saint E.O.M. I was mighty impressed and asked Monk to take my picture which he did and there it is. The folks back at home are going to be sorry they missed this trip because not only did I sit next to a giant painted head I ate some stinky cheese and drove a rental car down the freeway at 80 miles per hour with only a couple of feet separating me from everyone else. You gotta have a large pair in your nutsack to do this everyday. Whew!"

2008-03-09T09:06:00.001-07:00

Manhole Out of Wank
Workers in Le Mars, IA neglected to realign a manhole after a sewer repair and that has been worrying drivers and pedestrians by its out of alignment look. According to ace Whirled HQ reporter Lane Chamberlane, resident Jane Flookster said, "It makes me nervous. Its out of wank. How long would it have taken to turn the manhole 10 degrees left. Sheesh. Everytime I pass by I feel unnaturally apprehensive. Its like I'm waiting to take off in a plane or sitting in the dentist's waiting room just before a root canal. Our government is not working!"

2008-02-20T03:30:00.001-08:00

Bicyclist Crash Lands at Heliport
A slightly confused bicycler, Robert "Bob" Bleeker, from Westhester, TX was found dazed and disorientated at the Drummond Heliport in De Funiak Springs, FL yesterday. Whirled HQ reporter of the month in the Florida Panhandle, Lane Chamberlane, stated Bleeker was "out of it" and unable to reorientate himself. Apparently Bleeker was biking down the byway by himself on a balmy and beautiful day between Westhester and Bevins, TX when a blast of hot air blew him off the road and into the air flown by the fates and a fickle wind after which he found himself in De Funiak Springs, Florida. It was only later that he discovered there was a political primary producing prolific amounts of pompous parlance and hot impetuous harangues that may have caused the strong swirling vortex of verbage that lifted him from Westhester, TX to De Funiak Springs, Fl.

2008-02-15T04:04:00.000-08:00

Jellyfish Observe Humans (or so they think)
In the controlled environment of an aquarium located in the U.S. of A. jellyfish lure humans - using emotionally soothing blue colored light - to come within a few feet. In order to more closely observe natural behavior the jellyfish make it appear that the humans are observing the jellyfish when in fact the opposite is true. To make the feat even more astonishing the humans pay the big bucks for the "privilege" of being observed. However, in a weird turn of voyeuristic events whirled renowned Whirled HQ reporter, Lane Chamberlane, stated he was told (on condition of anonymity) that a third entity was involved and that "they" (whoever "they/the entity" are or is) had actually lured the jellyfish to build the "aquarium" so that the jellyfish would think they were the ones who were observing when in fact all parties except "they/it" were the ones being observed. Chamberlane said he left the area in a hurry feeling a little creepy and immediately took a hot shower when arriving "safely" at "home".

2008-02-12T05:25:00.001-08:00

Lost Cat
A torn lost pet sign was found in the Little 5 Points area of Atlanta, GA.
Whirled HQ reporter at large, Lane Chamberlane, found the sign with these words still readable: Lost, One front tooth missing, Quite Awesome ...ce you get to ..now her!, Kittish black f...., ...y to avoid skin, and one black leg, "hopping" run,
Please call w/ any, 04 309.

2008-02-04T18:46:00.001-08:00

Important Sign Made Duly Note Of
With family standing unawares, Nivlac Ymagrub, displaying his early promise in the geographical arts, points out an interesting and somewhat important sign that is just overhead. Said Ymagrub, "Duly noted."

2008-02-03T05:15:00.001-08:00

Super Valuable Foto of Tom Brady's First Throw Found
Whirled HQ's super secret underground celebrity task force has unearthed family photos of New England Patriots quarterback superstar Tom Brady's first time ever throwing a ball.
Estimated to be worth about 80 million dollars the pictures shows Brady with a warm fuzzy soft practice helmet and displaying the grace and skill that would come to define his lazer like hurling abilities later in his NFL career. According to Whirled HQ's super secret underground celebrity task force sources Brady threw this ball about 200 yards and penetrated the nearly impenetrable steel/mocalvinium alloy exoskeleton of a piece of heavy duty heavy yellow equipment Brady's dad kept for just such occasions.

2008-02-01T04:48:00.001-08:00

Out of Control Cactus
Phleg Phlegler of Sand, Arizona bought a pet cactus a year ago at Larry's Year Round Plant-o-rama with the intention of keeping it on his kitchen shelf and watching it bloom every 7 or 10 years. However, according to Larry Klaver, owner of Larry's Year Round Plant-o-rama, "A seed of the "Big Cacti" must've got mixed in with the Extra-Dwarf Deca-Bloom variety. It happens."
A somewhat timid Phlegler says, "I have to keep moving it or it gets angry."

2008-01-28T10:52:00.001-08:00

Whirled HQ Test New Fangled Machine from British Columbia
Whirled HQ charter members Tam Regrebnesor and Nivlac Ymagrub
are pictured here testing a new fangled device sent to them by this guy they know in British Columbia. The device came with no instructions as to the purpose so Whirled HQ put its intellectual shoulder to the wheel and began testing. The strange glass orb has some kind of heating mechanism inside it and there is a clear plastic, flexible tube that attaches to the orb. The plastic appears to either let air in or let air out. Regrebnesor is seen in the photo inhaling a "test" substance that was lit inside the glass. So far no firm conclusions have been reached but just as a wild guess, HQ is thinking that it could be used for smoking weed. That's just a guess mind you so don't go writing someone about anything. Whirled HQ, through its press spokesmodel, Lane Chamberlane, says, "We'll get back to you in due time."

2008-01-26T16:32:00.001-08:00

Woman rests in peace.
Acinorev Blezu rested peacefully today after months of slaving away in a horrible nine to five government job which consisted of counting manhole covers, storm drains and flag poles in the tri-butte area around Dust City, AZ and once she had them counted and listed in the Big Book of Government Material Goods & Services, she would then start over because by that time the number of manholes, storm drains and flag poles would have changed due to increased government services, natural causes, teenage angst and anti-government protest. Blezu decided to "take five" in the St. Blastergast Memorial Gardens by removing her hot thick government issued work boots and just sitting the fuck down. Said Blezu, "I could get used to being in a cemetery."

2008-01-22T17:08:00.000-08:00

Boys readied for journey across life (as we know it) on U.S.S. Consternation
With sturdy shoes, steel buckets (not shown) and snappy plaid safety outerwear, 2 young boys begin life's journey with a smile on their face, hope in their hearts and absolutely nothing in their heads. They begin a fateful journey, on the fabled ship, the U.S.S. Consternation, that will take them to places unknown, people unseen, sites unheard of. Their carefully preselected guide, Col. Clayton, will help them from getting killed or raped on the dangerous early stages of life's phantasmogorical and sometimes sordid and squalid journey. Whirled HQ reporter, Lane Chamberlane, will provide regular updates on our brave young travelers. Au revoir and bon voyage!!

2008-01-22T04:44:00.001-08:00

Man has "Georgia on My Mind" over his head.
Olzsal Zsuarts, visiting the state of Georgia, U.S.A., from Hungary has mind over his head in a clever placing of self in relation to the world famous phrase and official state song of Georgia which is in the United States of America and is purported to be the largest state east of the Mississippi River but which some dispute based some recently come to light facts that it is not really the biggest state east of the Mississippi but that, my friends, is fuel for a spirited official Whirled HQ debate on some other day.

2008-01-21T05:49:00.000-08:00

Tribute to Pencil-Necked Geeks Erected
City officials, wearing Windows Vista bow ties and plastic pocket pencil holders, in Redmond, CA cut the ribbon on a new statue that salutes all the pencil-neck geeks in the home of Microsoft, Inc.
Thousands of nerdy pencil-necked geeks turned out for the tribute. There was much guffawing, high fiving and text messaging and portable device communication. At the end of the official ceremony everyone gave each other a wedgie and laughed at the absurdity of it all.

2008-01-19T06:41:00.000-08:00

Noj Sucram on Rollercoaster Ride
After two months on the drug frenzanoid, Noj Sucram from Svalbard, has been switched to the drug drowsanine. Frenzanoid produces a psychotic type state and drowsanine a schweepy, flannel pjs, nite-nite sensation. Eli Lilly is studying the effects of both drugs and their combination to see if they can produce a life like rollercoaster effect. Says Lilly spokesmodel Cliff Jesters, "Some people don't experience life like it CAN be experienced so we are trying to induce the dramatic ups and downs of an actor or actress or Brittany Spears. Noj has been pretty even keel his whole life and never done much of anything so we decided to take him on the ride of his life!"
When asked about how he was feeling Noj said, "I don't mind telling you I'm a little schweepy."

2008-01-18T04:40:00.001-08:00

New Drug Has Beneficial Side Effect
The F & D & DPA (Food & Drug & Dance Party Administration) announced today that the drug frenzanoid normally used to induce physical activity in sloths, opposums and lemurs has found to have a beneficial side effect in humans and that it would be approved for general use immediately if not sooner.
Using "volunteer" Noj Sucram (shown at left while under the spell of frenzanoid who is visiting the U.S. from Svalbard and who lost all his hard earned krones on a Mississippi coast floating gambling boat and dental spa) drug giant Eli Lilly found that frenzanoid could induce beneficial psychotic states in humans. After what seemed like a really long and awkward silence Whirled HQ reporter on the spot, Lane Chamberlain, asked, "Like what kind of benefit?"
"Good question, responded Lilly spokesmodel, Basil Cleftinger, Frenzanoid if used correctly can induce a Jungian concept of the collective unconscious, archetypes and so on, that could then make the user entertain ideas of mythological reality, deities and so on. A fairly cool experience in this modern world."
"Oh", replied the collective conscious of the room of reality based reporters.

2008-01-16T04:28:00.001-08:00

Meaning of New Transportation Department Road Sign Unclear
After seeing this unusual road sign along U.S. Hwy 411, New Bluffington, FL, our Whirled HQ reporter at large, Tam Regrebnesor, made a meaningful inquiry to the Department of Transportation as to what the heckinger the sign means. United States Department o' Transportation and Road Sign spokesmodel, Lane B. Chamberlain, handsome and sturdy as ever cleared his throat, pursed his perfect lips and said, "Hmmm. I'm not sure? Where did you see it? Are you sure it is ours? Was there a hat in the road ahead? With a red circle around it? Wow. I'll have to get back to you on that? What do you think? Did it work for you? It is a nice hat, isn't it? Maybe, if the sign is ours and I'm not saying it is, what would you think if the sign had like a baseball hat or a derby on it? What about a ski mask? No, probably not? Something rakish but not threatening? Perhaps an Indiana Jones thing? Its rakish and adventurous without the implied threat of danger, no?

2008-01-15T17:16:00.001-08:00

"I Used To Be So Incredibly Buff! But look at me now!
It's unbelievable." Les Nyland, Zip City, Maryland's excruciatingly to the point stud muffin stated, "My pectoralis majora and my gluteus ironosaurus are particularly Buffinating. Did I really say Buffinating? - - - Did you know Buffinating rhymes with urinating? I didn't." Les explained his workout regimen boiled down to pretending pencils and individually wrapped slices of American cheese weigh as much as a 1964 Cadillac Coup de Ville. "That way, my pecs and trex and lats and abs and glutes get scammed into permanent hyperbuffination plus I don't have to lift those extremely heavy barbells." Bellowed the sharply chiseled Les Nyland, "I have achieved the Shangri LaLa of Buffdom--I am so goddam buff I could buff fuck a rhino! I am stronger than corned beef!!"

2008-01-15T04:57:00.000-08:00

Secrets of Art Photography Revealed
Famed Whirled HQ photographer, really deep sea diver and world class yodeler, Nivlac Ymagrub, revealed one of his secrets to transform routine, everyday, humdrum family and/or vacation photos into art by using the example to the left. States Ymagrub, "OK, so I was taking these boring photos of the beach and I was about to fall asleep while I was taking them when I was attacked by a flock of seagulls who were mistaking my manly shell necklace for food so I threw my camera to chase off the freaking nuisance fowl and to make a long story short I must have not been thinking because it wasn't my best idea or finest hour plus the camera is a Nikon F-16 Super Trifocal High Def Promenade so as it arced gracefully toward its eventual sandy destination I dove for it as it was about to hit the beach and when I did the oh-so-quiet shutter snapped and took this picture which is very arty so the point is just do it and it will happen cause you can't wait for art to happen you got to push the limits without messing up the camera of course and then where are you?"

2008-01-14T04:20:00.000-08:00

Home Cleverly Added to Trailer
Local resident Jillian "Mox" Feenx has recently attached a real nice home to her trailer. The Ft. Grifters, Ga native needed a little extra space to house her 3 grandchildren that she was caring for after her son Beau Jackson and daughter-in-law Merleen were convicted on bank robbery and sedition charges last spring and sent to Spurellboro Detention Center (a.k.a. Little Gitmo). "Well I sat there looking and wondering how I was going to make this scenario work with the kids and all and it hit me like a bad whirled hq poem. Bada bing bada boom! I just pictured this purty little house cozied up to my Windthumper Plus that Big Ray bought just before the accident, god rest his soul, and it felt so natural. I just put air in the tires and hired Russel T. to build it 'cause he owes me one. Plus I figure in a couple of years at least one of the teenagers, especially Little Ray or Cleetus, is goin' to enjoy a lengthy overnight at the big house in Spurellboro. They just got the mean streak like their Mommy and Diddy. After that I will sitting in the lap o' luxury."

Look Out! It's Live!

2008-01-10T16:32:00.001-08:00

Mexico Readies Tequila for U.S. Superbowl

Mexican farmers unload tons of the Agave tequilana* plant in order to produce the vast quantities of tequila and mezcal in time for the Superbowl. Tequila and mezcal, according to most sports fans, will get you drunker quicker. And its practically gospel that that is what the Superbowl is all about: "drunker quicker." According to famed Whirled HQ psychiatrist, Bleeven Betron Slovinkystern: "Our studies show that no one ever watches the game. They are just plowing back shooters of tequila and mezcal and generally dry humping furniture. Its a uniquely north american male thing. They don't even watch the much bally-hooed commercials because if you're bonko on teeq and dry humping a throw pillow, well, who really cares about Bud Lite. I must say that we have had a small up-bump in viewing the actual game (around .006%) since New England has been in the Big Game. Our survey shows the increase is do to Man Crushes on Tom Brady, the strikingly handsome, squared jawed and nearly flawless quarterback of the Patriots. Some guys just can't take their eyes off the svelte and bodacious curvedness of his scrumptious backside."

*Tequila is produced by removing the heart of the plant in its twelfth year, normally weighing between 35-90 kg (77-198 lbs). This heart is stripped of leaves and heated to remove the sap, which is fermented and distilled. Other beverages like Mezcal and Pulque are also produced from Blue and other agaves by different methods (though still using the sap) and are regarded as more traditional.

Live Baby Live!!

2008-01-09T03:08:00.001-08:00

Mysterious Device Prompts Speculation

A mysterious device (shown here, actually a little to the left) photographed in an urban area of a big city near a small town has prompted much speculation by those who have seen it and those who have only heard it described. "Weird, ungodly, curious, strange, unnatural and ghostly" are all adjectives this HQ reporter has heard the "thing" characterized. I saw it myself (see there on the left?) and I would describe it as something seen in like Plan Nineteen from Outer Space or The Day the Earth Stood Very Still because it doesn't have anything written on it like Delphi Optics, Opticon Instruments from Cleevland, OH or some such but at least it didn't have those space hieroglyphics either. What do you think?

Feb 8 Live and Living and Loving

2008-01-08T19:02:00.001-08:00

Whirled HQ charter member watches Firemen Watch Fire
Calvin Burgamy, HQ charter member stopped for a few minutes during his free time to watch members of the Atlanta Fire Department watch a fire. "It was great. They watched the fire and I watched them watching the fire. Of course, I also watched the fire as well. As a sentient being I am able to divide my attention. Like right now I am writing this and watching MTv Reality TV and whoa...! talk about fire. This is hot."

HQ Live Feb 8th

2008-01-07T15:52:00.001-08:00

Where have you gone Edward Tuggle?

Whirled HQ Live Feb 8

2008-01-06T06:49:00.000-08:00

Giant Women of Sandusky, OH visit Normal, KS

Pheronika Kornelius, one of the famed giant women of Sandusky, OH, visited the town of Normal, KS and found getting around a little more difficult than "normal". Kornelius said, "Hey, it ain't normal if you ask me! Is there an Abnormal, KS where a normal person from Sandusky, OH might go and get a few more millimeters of breathing room?" The men of Normal, KS after seeing the women crouched sheepishly in the tight corners of their small respective abodes and could only dream of the giant women patting their behinds with giant womanly hands, the women bringing home large slabs of bacon and all the while protecting them from unforeseen dangers.

2/08/2008 live and in person

2008-01-03T04:02:00.001-08:00

HQ Charter Member Ignores Waitress' Warning and Packs It Away Like There is No Tomorrow.
Whirled HQ Charter member, Chippendale dancer and former Soviet cosmonaut (really!) Jon Marcus consumed vast quantities of Iowan "grub" in spite of alarmed waitress Gwen Cliijisters' warning (see arrow in photo) that he was eating "wayyy tooo much!" Cliijisters continued, "I mean the dude was packing it away like there was no corn tomorrow. See what I'm saying? And this is his 4th plate. You'd think his stomach had lost touch with reality. Its like global warming except he ate global warming and then he ate the first Ice Age. He ate a shank steak with a side of chicken, a pheasant and some fantastic Iowa corn bread. Next he ate the "Twin City Special"-- that's a plate of taters, an absolute mess of chipped beef and a side o' veggies boiled in cabbage juice. Then he ate.......oh, hell its making me sick just thinking about it." A slightly disoriented Marcus was last seen staggering down the aisles of the Soy Sea Food Product Test Fest at the Iowa State Fair.

Live and Full of Life Feb Eight

2008-01-02T10:19:00.000-08:00

Origins of Internet Found.
Renowned world wide interwebologists at Whirled HQ have discovered where the interweb comes from. See the red arrow pointing to the pink cord? The pink cord is the world wide interweb. All the boatloads of cool stuff and bucketloads of steaming B.S. starts right there. The world wide interwebologists at Whirled HQ stumbled across the connection during their 5th annual Snipe Hunt and Witness Protection Partay. While waiting to trap a snipe for what seemed like an excruciatingly long time Matt Rosenberger, charter HQ member and winner of last summer's Monster Beefcake and Thin Thong Award at the Ramada Inn, Nag's Head Island, NC, spotted something blinking by this holly bush. At the base of the holly bush was this open metal door that was painted camouflage to facilitate its blending in with the natural surroundings. Rosenberger opened the door and saw what you see in that picture. Not knowing what it was he removed the pink wire. When he eventually got home he couldn't connect to the world wide interweb so he went back and plugged the wire back in and when he got back home voila! Internet! Rosenberger refuses to reveal the exact location for fear evil forces would use the interweb for its own nefarious purposes much like they do now but at least they can't turn off the never ending supply of interwebness.

Live Feb 8th

2007-12-31T05:45:00.001-08:00

The Lost Boxspring

The lost boxspring was found leaning against a wall in Cabbagetown yesterday. But just for a moment and then it was gone. If you see it please contact its owner, Fred "Sleepless in Seattle" Clinkscales. He has been fornlorn and boxspringless for over two long and difficult weeks. Compounding his forlornness Fred also lost some keys, the shed the keys opened, his yang (still has his ying), silent nose hair cutter (electric), weasel tweezer, skull cap, skull shoe, prescription eyeglasses, some weed, and his Elvis sunglasses he got while visiting Branson, MO when he went to see Evel Knievel just before Knievel kbit the kbucket. Says Clinkscales, "It's been one of those decades, I suppose."

Live Feb Ath

2007-12-29T08:39:00.001-08:00

Sponge Bob Nearly Kills HQ Charter Member.

Sponge Bob Square Pants (seen behind the wheel in this dramatic photo) in a fit of cartoon/comedic-woowoo blikblik whankwhank-pique very nearly killed paparazzi/HQ charter member Matt Rosenberger as he innocently tried to snap a photo across from the Georgia Aquarium where Bob was appearing. As Rosenberger squatted in the basic paparazzi Zhizhua or "one knee parallel to the ground, other knee floating" position Square Pants-pop pow boingboing skinkskink- accelerated. Fortunately the athletically svelte Rosenberger's uncanny reflexes sprang into action and he leapt to safety. The ruggedly handsome, chisel featured and nicely tanned Rosenberger unfortunately suffered a meniscus tear that he stated was still a little "stove up" and causing him more than a little grief. In his recently filed injury lawsuit against Sponge Bob-woowoo boingboing ding ding-Square Pants, Inc. Rosenberger's attorneys Rowen, Martin & oh so Cloynowskii also listed the mental anguish and grief caused by the horrirfying incident that keeps replaying itself over and over like a slow train wreck or a slow motion dream where someone is chasing him and can't get away but can only scream and that is really kind of fucked up.

--HQ Live PhebRueAerie Ocho (8)

2007-12-28T04:40:00.001-08:00

Whirled HQ Expert Finds a Whatchamacallit
Jon Marcus, a.k.a. Mr. Wunnerful & doctor of artifactology & crudology, found a weird looking whatchamalcallit on the floor at Borders Bookstore and immediately began a close minute inquiry into the actuality of the whatchamacallit.
Based on preliminary results Marcus stated, "It has all the characteristics of a whatchamacallit except that it has a teeniny photo of a very fuzzy woodchuck in the corner on the right side. Normally I don't see that. I'm taking it back to the highly scientific and technofied Whirled HQ futuristic field station and put it under my most powerful thingamajig for closer examination and I'll get back to you frothwith if not real sooner."

Get it straight on Feb 8. HQ Live!

2007-12-26T07:17:00.001-08:00

Bald Eagle Strikes Patriotic Pose.

A "captive" bald eagle (you know he isn't really bald and isn't really captive because you can't deny an eagle their freedom in the US of A) who is apparently aware of his status as a symbol of fightin' and freedom struck a pose that instilled pride, a lump in the throat and a tear in the eye nationalistic fervor for this Whirled HQ in the field reporter. Without a note of The Star Spangled Banner or America in the air this loyal and patriotic embodiment of American values stood on a mighty tree trunk and looked towards a bright future and a solid financial year for the Homosassa Springs Wildlife Center in Homosassa Springs, FL. Amen.

Live HQ Feb 8th Too Thowsend 8 redux advertisement

2007-12-25T19:08:00.001-08:00

Rock Emanates Waves
A rock in the Flow-Rita Keys was observed to emanate waves in concentric circles. The observation was made by renowned and handsome oceanologist Dr. Nivlac "el guapo" Ymagrub . Says Dr. Ymagrub, "Its just rock but yet it emanated waves! How! How I ask? It was calm on the ocean yet these waves emanated as if a life force existed within the non life type thing which is a rock."
Hey its Christmas and its a slow Whirled HQ newsday so complain to the editor already like we care.

Live Feb 8, 2oo8

2007-12-23T15:31:00.000-08:00

Ocean Swallows HQ Member's Shadow

Calvin Burgamy, one of the three original founding members of Whirled HQ, lost his shadow in a tragic seaside event while on vacation in Flow-Rita. Mr. Burgamy was photographing the beautiful ocean water as it washed upon the seashore. In just seconds his shadow was dragged, kicking and screaming, out to sea. No lifeguard or shadow of a lifeguard was on duty to save the helpless shadow. According to Mr. Burgamy he has taken swimming lessons but neglected to give them to his shadow. "A mistake I have lived to regret", lamented the remorseful Burgamy. "Waaaaaaa!"

Live HQ Feb 8th Too Thowsend 8

2007-12-18T04:50:00.000-08:00

Whirled HQ announces world poverty bail out plan.

Whirled Headquarters announced today at their new headquarters (see article below) that they are offering loans to anyone in the world for UP to $800.00 smackitos!! According to spokesmodel Jon Marcus there are absolutely no strings attached except you "absolutely have to pay us back with some interest." Other than that people can just line up at their offices in Priority Zone 1 Office Park (see below) apply and within minutes get their money. Any reason for the loan will suffice including nation building, pest eradication, prom limo, beer money, wide screen tv's, global warming (or cooling), fire departments, etc.
"You just name it." says Marcus. "It's all about helping this old world out."

HQ Live Update!!

2007-12-17T11:18:00.000-08:00

Whirled HQ posts another out of focus photo. With its creative juices running at an all time low, whirled headquarters went ahead and just posted another lousy, out of focus photo. This one was taken from the window of a moving car as it was passing something. We think the something is behind the blurry sign but frankly we flat out don't remember. Jon was driving and Matt was yakking up a storm and Calvin wasn't paying that much attention. So what we did is heighten the contrast and tweak the brightness so it would look a little more artsy.
And oh, by the way, we are performing live Feb. 8th, 2008 at 9pm. Sycamore Gallery, Decatur, GA.

HQ LIVE FEBRUARY 8TH, 2008 Update!!!

2007-12-15T06:18:00.000-08:00

Whirled HQ eyes new headquarters in Priority Zone 1
Whirled HQ is interested in moving its world headquarters because of the previously mentioned (just below) time portal rip. The time rip could cause instability in planning future shows, past reminiscences, and present day fun. Jon Marcus, VP in Charge of Time/Space/etc stated, "We can get a great deal in Priority Zone 1. Not much is happening there in the way of development and we need calm and quiet to sort out some of our completely whanker ideas and devolutionary comic material and Zone 1 could provide the kind of environment we need to flourish. WooWoo!"

HQ LIVE FEBRUARY 8TH, 2008 Update!!!

2007-12-14T02:55:00.000-08:00

HQ Executive's Aura seen while relaxing.

Matt Rosenberger, Whirled Headquarters executive VP in charge of beverage procurement, is seen relaxing amongst the throng of hoi polloi at a local tavern. Apparently the beer glass in the foreground in conjunction with glow of the "halo"gen light in the background and Rosenberger's powerful inner biconceptual perception of self combined to produce a visible aura about his head and arms. Witnesses described it as an "aura of respectability" which produced a sense of inner calm in popular bar patron Jasper Schenksburton who just seconds before was bellowing incoherently about his man-crush on New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady.

HQ LIVE FEBRUARY 8TH, 2008 Update!!!

2007-12-13T04:39:00.000-08:00

Chevron Algonquin "Leaks" Out of a Time Portal in Decatur, GA in close proximity to WhirledHeadquarters.com headquarters.
An early model Chevron Algonquin Matador V7 Scramrod LaHoya was seen clearly in the "rear" of a time (does anybody really know what time it is?) portal early Wednesday morning by a joggernaut, Cliff Willey who stated, "It was like it was coming for me so I ran the other way. I barely got off this shot with my Nikon Cool Pix L6, 5 megabyte digital camera. Awesome!"
HQ Live will is still scheduled to "go on with the show" Feb 8th, 9pm, Sycamore Place Gallery, Decatur, GA despite the alarming rip in the fabric of time unless there is another time shift in which case the show could happen spontaneously at any time and perhaps any place/space. Shifts in time often are paired with shifts in space like last Thursday when I lost my keys and I knew where I put them so they couldn't have just walked off so it had to be like a rip in time/space and some person from another parallel world/space/time reached down and their hands went through space/time and got my keys and now I don't have mine and they are probably weirded out as well 'cause they can't even start their car OR if this other person is from the past they are probably freakin' because they don't even know what keys are.....more later......

HQ LIVE FEBRUARY 8TH, 2008

2007-12-12T15:18:00.000-08:00

Relax. Join the Living. Come to HQ Live. February 8, 2008
Sycamore Gallery, Decatur, GA
across from Carpe Diem

Ghost in the Machine

2007-12-12T05:38:00.000-08:00

Hear the ghostly noise at the end. Very Scary!

HQ Live in Feb. 2008

2007-12-12T05:13:00.000-08:00

HQ Live at the Sycamore Gallery in Decatur, GA, February, 2008, 9pm, date to be announced.

Whirled HeadQuarters Live - August 11, 2006

2006-08-16T17:56:00.001-07:00

Whirled HeadQuarters Live: The Variety Show for Misfts

Whirled Headquarters has been putting on virtually live (in the almost human like sort of ) events every couple months since 1952, right after we crossed the 37th parallel in Korea, but we're just now getting around to putting some of each show's content on the web. D-oh!

The shows are always supersweetbackbadass fun - a mixture of comedy, poetry, music, photography, oral history, new words, free advice, obscure philosophy, directives from our evil alien overlords, video - and of course, beer. They're held at Sycamore Gallery in Decatur - get on our e-mail list if you wanna be apprised of upcoming gatherings (email us ).

We commenced at more or less exactly 9:18 P.M. We always make a point of commencing, more or less exactly.

Beads of sweat evaporated on waves of joy in the hot late summer air. Everyone who was out of steam when they arrived rapidly re-steamed on the rampant vapors.

This time we had the usual assortment of original HQ content and guest features, the timeline going somewhat as follows:

Short Introduction wherein we dispense with the inevitable
Poem
Poem
Chuck - slide show
Wanda - slide show and poem
Marsha - squirrel on a wire or not
We took a short break and it was really fun. Some people left. Some people showed up.
Poem
Poem
Atlanta slide show - HQ does Atlanta - Through A Goat's Eye
Poem
Poem
Words
Then we mostly stayed there and practied Hab, which is all the fun stuff you get to do before re-hab.
Then we went to Fellini's and kicked it up a notch or a level or two.

brigette bardot and allan ginsberg and godard

ginsberg ganja high
stringing words like pearls
godard watching cinemascope
high on a slow pan
to brigette bardot
emerging from a smoky bed

wrapped in red velvet
draped low in the back
framing perfect dimples
perched on a perfect derriere
girl skin over girl muscle
just begging for a kiss
she is the high priestess
of sexology and teen angst
and i love her completely and utterly

like i love Kathy mozena
in trigonometry and social studies
her short skirt and pink gloss lips
drive me stark raving sexual
I want to pour my life
into her vital syllables
but i never say
one fucking thing to her

but ginsberg is incandescent
he rolls smoke-rings into his voice
his smoke words heating the black coffee
that godard brews in the corner
cigarettes, coffee, long tokes and strong sips
endless conversation
ginsberg and godard and I
talk about trench warfare
nature, pain, blood, diogenes
communism, love, hate, life and art
the magnificent and foolish
mysteries of existence
the need to seduce life
with skill and persistence

so I leave
and walk for miles on a sandy beach
with bridget bardot
we say nothing, we don’t have to
i hold her hand
we collect broken flesh-colored naked shells
we dare the wind to blow harder
and spook skittish sandpipers
she looks at me and smiles
and i know everything there is to know

the bell rings
kathy mozena rises from the seafoam
she exits the classroom
nothing at all between us but
a poem, a movie, allan, bridget, wisdom
and a giant deafening hardon

I Am Clavin's Child

clavin the man child is our sugar man daddy
we give him twenty bucks american
to write it all down
write the shit down we says
we hand him the book and the pen
and he says i can’t write
on this stinking yellow pad
so we gave him rose colored glasses and a purple pen
so we told him to let loose
spill with the purple prose
and he says i can’t write while i’m talking
the answer is obvious

we work so hard, down low on the folio
drink 16 oz. pabst with big mac daddy child man
it’s good work if you can get at it
we drink and talk and laugh
and suggest he shut the fuck up
make him write down all the flaming details
all stuffed together
then he says i talk better than i shutup
here, i’ll buy the beer and talk. you write.
we keep talking but he talks more than us
because now we have to write it all down

we write a chapter on our fantastically bad
financial decisions
our milieu, it turns out, is rich with poverty

we write a partly real profile
of professor eddy von mueller
as cynical as they come he does
but he cuts a nice jib, yes he does
jibe
with fedora and cane, chin leading, eyes darting

we pen a scathing review of beta vs vhs
and record a live heart-first interview
with clay the human heterosexual invertebrate
who makes chaos outa chaos and performs naked
with a heart of gold

we write a screenplay for a movie
about an unusual list
and the girl
who wrote it all down
starring clavin the man child
he told her it might be a good idea

Beeroids

beeroids are injectable capsules
with beer liquid in them
a pint reduced to a wee capsule
a bubbly yellow phizzy alcohol
cold as the arctic circle
a crisp frosty wintry
almost frozen, frothy
capsule

no one needs a beeroid
but!
beeroids go straight to the
lack of the invisible problem
beeroids add to the absence of a condition
or location
assuming the position is unknown
beeroids broker a friendly mind thing
beeroids
produce a more personable and real
unified total being.
Ness.

beeroids pump up the volume
nothing is too loud, too rich
or too unheard of
beeroids are great,
beeroids are charming
we should study the
beeron
the smallest indivisible unit of a beeroid
study it in excruciating detail
why it does
what it does
who it does
and what
is that unique person’s phone number

further research is indicated
we should try to find out
whether a beeron
can ever truly be destroyed
since the birth of a new beeron
inevitably follows the demise
of one that has just been consumed

the major question
the major unknown about the beeroid is . . .
the actual real absolute question is
is it the guy . . .
or the beeroid?

Lucida Sans Unicode

the default font is times new roman
i’m really not a big fan of times new roman
times new roman – it stumbles across the page
like a sailor on shore leave
stove up, too much stiffassedness
give me abadi condensed ultra light
or goudy stout or braggadocio bold
or verdana smooth italics
arial bold helvetica uncondensed
these fonts buzz, hum, slide
purr and vibrate
curl across the page
like wood shavings
from a sharply honed plane

but i must tell you
lucida sans unicode ,
now there is a seductive font
she is a quick mistress, lucida
she is the font of wind-blown skirts
in the dry 26 letter
lmnopq alphabet desert
lucida
is the oasis

a powerful thing happened to me recently
silently beating on the door of my heart
changing my life delicately, invisibly
like being born on another continent
eating your first moon pie
drinking rc cola with elvis by moonlight
touching kathy mozena’s soft skin
wildly electric, safe and dangerous

a powerful recent thing
not as nerve-wracking
as falling off a hundred foot cliff
into a used razor blade junkyard
no, it was more recent than that

changed my life
not my regular life
not my regular vocabulary
I simply can’t say
exactly what it is
or
what was
or
what changed

it’s all i talk about
it’s like being a book
printed with a new font
and somehow
the story changes

I Found a Hundred and Thirty-Two Dollars

i found a hundred thirty-two dollars that i hid for myself in 1989
wild mad money forgotten and found by me, lucky me
i spent a fair amount of it on myra’s pizza by the slice
yesterday a loud smelly edgy yet annoying guy there
announced from the twinkie aisle
that myra the owner of myra’s pizza
was high on crack

myra just handed me my slice
i really do think that weird crazy guy
displayed a remarkably bad attitude
and a heart small as a mummified boisonberry

i found a hundred thirty-two dollars that i hid for myself in 1989
if I had found it a hundred and thirty two years from now
and factored in inflation
it’d be worth about two million smackerbacks, I can’t wait
i’m gonna buy thirteen sun gleaming silver airstream trailers
and thirteen v-6 gremlins to drag the shiny trailers
up one side and down the other, across the continental divide
and thirteen friends pounding the throttle
tryin’ to keep up with me
me flying free in my new chevron bentley algonquin v-12
all leather kick ass convertible with dual quad apparati hoses

i found a hundred thirty-two dollars i hid for myself in 1989
go i ! i say to i , go! i really did that? yes, i did ! go i !
what great good fabulous money. i love 1989, i love this money !
i love i because i’m so rich!

beer money! fun money!
unexpected thrill money
that’s spent wildly
on silk socks
bow ties
bungie jumps
dry humps
and exotic buds
not a single cent
on cell phones
or georgia power
dental life insurance
or premature emission inspection
i found the money
or my money found me
it’s good money
i love the money
and i love me now that I’m rich

now that i think about it
they never said it would make
all that much sense
they were right
now that i think about it
next time i get a hundred thirty-two dollars
i’m gonna sock it away
far far away money

Dr. Dillman, DDS

My HMO dentist said
fifteen minutes every night
while you’re watching Law & Order
or reading Raymond Chander
or assembling the explosives
just fifteen minutes
floss first, then brush, mouthwash, then rubber tip
that’s all you got to do
just fifteen minutes or 900 seconds
whichever comes first

easy for you to say, Dr. Dillmon
its my mouth full of steel and gauze and
an air sucking tube
his large strangely delicate
yet smelly fingers, probing
nowhere to look except sideways
into dr. dillman’s small porcine eyes
uh-huh i grunted
agreeing with him
I’m simpatico on the transient issue
of a dominant cultural hegemony
bigger than the tri-lateral commission
or the bilderbergers
amazingly, i actually say all that
through the loathing and the dry cotton plugs
over the gurgle of the suction tube
the vast quantities of spit
an open mouth produces
running down over my jaw
i’m actually paying for this too

the dentist is way too happy
i hate him
ahhhhhhsoolle, I try to say
but Dr. Dillman just smiles and nods

in my narcotized state
I dream of a race of people
Who talk with their hands
In each others mouths
A way of mutual understanding
Common practice
The words are slurred but
The meaning is clear, direct

“this may hurt a little” breaks
my reverie
dr. dillman, dude,
i don’t watch tv every night
there’s no telling what I might do
I might just might be really out there, y’know?
Doing some thing, or just drinking beer
early morning is when i read
dental hygiene is way beyond the pale
off the radar
a milky way away

it’s all I can do
to deal with gravity
and space
and time
and what I fondly refer to , as
my “impersonal reality”
in the process of which
I might get lost
in the bosom of the almightiness
gallop thru elysian fields
be moved to pick up a pen
And lend some vice to the verse

Savvy? Comprende? Verstehen sie?
“Doctor Dillman”?